The staff lunchroom conversation that afternoon was interesting. By some perverse destiny, Woods, a special education teacher, happened to be eating pig fried chips. The rest of us told her to have some respect and decency for the sick. Prentiss was eating at the other end of the table."What's the matter with ya'll?" Woods asks flustered. I wouldn't have traded places with her for anything.
"How can you sit there eating those things when pig's in the hospital?" Jones pipes.
"What?... Who?... What are you talking about?"
"Mrs. Prentiss' pig!" Jones answers annoyed and assuming that Woods knew already.
Woods yells across the table, "Prentiss! What's the matter with pig?"
"Baby, he's sick."
"What's the matter with him Prentiss?"
Prentiss doesn't yell back. Her voice carries very well, even when she is talking in a hush.
"He's been masturbating too much. His penis is bleeding."
"What? Masturbating! Pigs masturbating... how do pigs masturbate?... I mean, I didn't think they could."
"Woodson, you fool!" Boudreaux joins in, then explains basic sex to Woods.
"He rubs himself on furniture... a table...a chair."
"That's terrible!" Woods is genuinely upset.
"I feel sorry for him... you know... I never thought about that. How do pet pigs have sex? If you are a dog or cat or somethin', you can just run away and get some."
"So, what's going to happen to pig, Prentiss?" Woods yells across the table.
"Baby, I don't know if he's going to make it."
"Of course, he's going to make it! They'll fix his penis." Boudreaux interrupts Prentiss.
"Prentiss, what happens if they can't fix it?" Woods keep on the subject.
"I don't know, baby...."
Woods answers her own question innocently and then sighs, "If pig doesn't make it... pig is livestock."
All together: Shut up Woods!
Posts
This is a pretty darn funny anecdote. I can't imagine this conversation taking place in my faculty dining room!
ReplyDeleteAnd good point about the pig -- where does a pet pig go to get some?
I wish I had the kind of imagination where I could make this stuff up!
ReplyDeleteMy sister went through a hippie phase. She had pigs, and a baby girl. The girl was taught to call the pigs Bacon and Pork Chop so she would not think of them as friends or pets. Bacon and Pork Chop were quite tasty. And no problems with getting some since they were a lovely couple.
ReplyDelete@Laurie. That's a great story. It's good to hear that they lead a happy and fulfilling life, at least for a while.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think that anything couldn't! (My gender must be apparent by now.)
ReplyDelete